You have a license, you can drive a grown-up car.
But when you ride the go-can'ts,
you somehow feel better about yourself.
Look, it just centers me, all right?
Kind of the way jerking off at work centers you.
I only did it that one time.
And it wasrt to center me.
Yeah, it was to come.
Well, I don't know about you, but coming centers me.
Then why did we have to leave work,
so we can ride the go-can'ts to clear your head?
Well, I don't want to jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom.
What if a customer comes in
and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong?
Suddenly, I'm fighting him off
as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth.
The most likeliest of scenarios.
(scoffs)
Man, that shit Lance said must have really bothered you.
Oh, fuck him.
He's an asshole. He always was.
I'm sorry I let him bug me even for a second.
At least I got a go-can't trip out of it.
Why do the go-can'ts help?
I don't know.
They just remind me of a better time in my life.
Like when?
Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us.
We're not that old.
Yeah.
But sometimes I get the feeling
the world kind of left us behind a long time ago.
You know...
you can do something about that.
I told you, I don't want to jerk off in the bathroom at work.
No, I mean you can get out of Mooby's, too,
completely change your situation in life.
What'd be the point? Besides, why do you give a shit?
You're leaving.
(door moos electronically)
Thanks, you guys, thanks.
Come on!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that a number two you wanted?
Yeah, and bovine-size it.
$13.84.
I need two Surlies and a Cow Tipper.
I'm on it.
How we set for fries?
I don't think these look right.
Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive.
It's not my fault you abandoned your post!
RANDAL: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries?
The machine does all the work.
What's a machine got to transform
into some giant fucking robot before you'll take it seriously?
Go home.
Will you just make some fries already?
Look, I don't have all night.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
They need to get some Mexicans working in here.
They'd be... (imitates laser)
They don't play around.
I know it. Mexican made me lose my job.
That motherfucker put a roof up in 30 seconds.
Where the fuck did you guys go?
You don't want to know.
Well, I know it's your last day and all,
but while you're still on the clock,
can't you kind of pretend like you still give a shit?
RANDAL: Don't blame this guy.
Some cock stain that we went to high school with
showed up to remind us that we're fucking failures,
so I wanted to get out of here
and blow off some steam, if you must know.
Did he say "cock stain"?
What the fuck is cock stain?
I don't know... that's some white freaky stuff.
White boys get the white women to do everything.
You want to do a cock stain?
Do you know how often I've had people come in here
that I went to school with?
Fuck, I had to take a fucking order off of a guy
I blew after junior prom once.
Yeah, I've waited on your brother, too... h'noop!
I can't believe you.
The smartest of smart asses got rattled
by some fucking loser coming in here
giving you shit about your McJob.
Oh, fuck him, okay?
Sooner or later, I'll do something with myself
and make my mark.
But until then, whatever I do is not a waste of time,
it's all building toward something.
How about you build towards making some fuckir fries?
They're coming!
Remember, you saved.
You don't use that kind of language.
Ain't nobody from my church in here.
I don't mind people snickering
at the stupid uniform I've got to wear.
But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let
some self-righteous, lucky turd come in here
and treat me and Dante
like we're a couple of fucking porch monkeys.
DANTE: Randal!
Uh, I'm-I'm sorry. He...
He didn't really just say what I think he said.
- What? Porch monkeys? - Randal!
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
I want my money back right now.
Of course. Um, you know what?
Here, take this on us.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not eating something that
was cooked by some cracker-ass hate-monger.
I will.
Baby, you can't taste racism.
What racism? Porch monkeys?!
- You little mother... - Calm down, champ.
It ain't won'th it.
You're lucky my husband doesn't
jump across this counter and knock your teeth in.
- Why? - Yeah, baby, why?
I mean, ain't like he called us porch monkeys.
Hey, hey!
Baby, stop hitting on me!
See, the judge told you about that.
You got to stop putting your hands on people.
Here, take this. This is your money.
Please, take the food on us.
- We're sorry. - Oh, uh-uh.
I'm gonna write to the paper about this,
and all y'all getting fired up in here.
Jesus!
I'm gonna take the food.
Thank you very much.
Damn!
Fuckir porch monkey...
Thanks. Come again.
Don't leave me, baby!
Are you out of your fucking mind?!
What?! What's the big deal?
Since when is it a crime to say "porch monkey"?
Oh, I don't know... since forever!
- Why? - Because "porch monkey"
is a racial slur against black people.
No, it's not. "Nigger" is.
Randal!
Did Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?
Shut up, Elias!
I didn't just call Dante a nigger.
I just said that "nigger" is a racial slur.
So is "porch monkey"!
Oh, it is not.
Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jiggaboo, nignug...
those are racial slurs.
"Porch monkey" is not.
I am going to pretend like this conversation
didn't happen.
Elias, go pick up that fucking mess,
and you are this close to getting shit-canned!
(scoffs)
Fuckir shoot me now.
(grunts angrily)
What are you doing?!
Are you trying to get fired?
Since when did "porch monkey" suddenly become a racial slur?
When ignorant racists started saying it 100 years ago.
Oh, bullshit.
My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time
when I was a kid, because I'd sit on the porch
and stare at my neighbors.
DANTE: Despite the fact
that your grandmother might have used it
as a term of endearment for you,
it's still a racial slur.
It'd be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.
Oh, it is not.
Plus, my grandmother had
nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community.
When I was a kid, she told me to always treat
the Jewish kids well, or they'd put the sheeny curse on me.
What the fuck, man?!
What?!
"Sheeny" is a racial slur, too!
Oh, it is not.
Yes, it is!
Well, she never called any Jews sheeny.
She just used to say "sheeny curse" a lot.
(chuckling): It was cute.
It wasrt cute! It was racist!
I disagree, man.
She was just an old-timer.
That's the way people talked back then.
Didrt mean they were racists.
But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once
as a nigger knife.
You know, come to think of it,
my grandmother was kind of a racist.
You think?!
Well, l-I still don't think
"porch monkey" should be considered a racial term.
I mean, I've always used it to describe lazy people,
not lazy black people.
I think if we really tried,
we could reclaim "porch monkey" and save it.
DANTE: It can't be saved, Randal.
The sole purpose for its creation,
the only reason it exists in the first place,
is to disparage an entire race.
And even if it could be saved,
you can't save it, because you're not black!
Well, listen to you.
Telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin?
You're the racist.
(grunts)
I'm taking it back. You watch.
(door moos electronically)
(chuckling): Hey.
What can I get for you, you little porch monkey?
It's cool. I'm taking it back.
(sighs)
# #
Hey.
So, are you scared about getting married at all?
Um...
were we in the middle of a conversation
I don't remember leaving?
I was just thinking about it, and I was thinking
that maybe you were waiting for some friend
to try and stop you
from going through with the wedding
by asking if you're even ready to go and get married.
So I'm asking.
Are you scared about getting married?
Well, kind of.
I mean, I'm not scared of getting married, you know...
l-I always wanted to get married one day...
but I am scared of the wedding.
Why?
I don't know how to dance.
You're kidding.
I wish I was.
You're about to tie your life to someone,
someone who doesn't even really get you
as well as your friends do,
and what you're sweating is dancing at your reception?
Well, l-I figure she'll eventually get me.
I mean, you're married to someone long enough,
they got to get you eventually, right?
Are you kidding?
My parents have been married for 35 years,
and they still don't get each other.
Emma's pretty, smart, happy, a good person...
and for some strange reason, she loves me.
I mean, what am I supposed to do,
pass up on that because I have
a few stupid doubts and some jitters?
Besides, dancing at the receptiors
the more imperative concern at this point,
because I only get,
well, presumably, one chance to dance at my wedding.
(sighs)
So, what, you can't slow dance?
No. Anybody can slow dance,
but this is one of the only times I've ever gonna meet
most of Emma's extended family,
and I'd like to be able to show some flair
on the dance floor, you know?
Like, make an impression so that maybe they'll see
whatever it is that Emma sees in me
instead of all feeling like I'm some burger-peddling loser
who couldn't even bust a move.
What?
(laughs): You're serious?
Come on.
Hey, 12-step!
Jay!
Lord?
Up here, jackass.
What the fuck are you doing up there?!
Yo, if you're gonna jump,
let me get a crack at that pussy first.
Let me find out.
You still got your boom box?
Play something, and turn it way up.
Something danceable.
Up here?
Are you serious?
You're gonna teach me to dance up here?
What? You want I should do it in front of all the customers?
What customers?
Shut up. Come over here.
Okay, get ready for the music.
You feel it... here.
Here it comes.
# Grandma, what was it like #
# To be on the holiday site? #
Something a little less demonic, please!
# But with them by my side in the twilight... #
Thank you.
(Jackson Five's "ABC" playing)
Yes! Okay, okay, um, just-just follow
whatever it is I'm doing, okay?
- Step forward... - All right.
- # You went to school... # - Step back.
To your right.
# Things you never, never knew before... #
To your left.
Turn to the right.
# Like "l" before "E" except after "C" #
# And why two plus two makes four #
# Now, now, now, I'm gonna teach you #
# Teach you, teach you #
# All about love, girl #
# All about love #
# Sit yourself down... #
Okay, you really do suck. Sit down.
Told you.
Just watch me, all right?
# A, B, C #
# Easy as one, two, three #
# As simple as do, re, mi #
# A, B, C, one, two, three #
# Baby, you and me, girl #
# A, B, C #
# Easy as one, two, three #
# As simple as do, re, mi #
# A, B, C, one, two, three #
# Baby, you and me, girl #
# Come on and love me just a little bit #
# I'm gonna teach you how to sing it out #
# Come on, come on, come on #
# Let me show you what it's all about #
# Reading, writing, arithmetic #
# Are the branches of the learning tree #
# But without the roots of love every day, girl #
# Your education ain't complete #
# Tea-Tea-Tea-Teacher's gonna show you #
# She's gonna show you #
# How to get an "A" #
# Na-na-na-na-na-na #
# How to spell "me," "you," add the two #
# Listen to me, baby, that's all you got to do #
# Oh, A, B, C #
# It's easy as one, two, three #
# As simple as do, re, mi #
# A, B, C, one, two, three #
# Baby, you and me, girl #
# A, B, C, it's easy #
# It's like counting up to three #
# Singing simple melodies #
# That's how easy love can be #
# Singing simple melodies #
# One, two, three, you and me! #
# Yeah! #
- (Silent Bob mouthing) - # Sit down, girl #
# I think I love you #
# No, get up, girl #
# Show me what you can do #
# Shake it, shake it, baby #
# Come on, now #
# Shake it, shake it, baby #
# Ooh, ooh, shake it, shake it, baby, yeah #
# One, two, three, baby #
# Ooh, ooh, A, B, C, baby #
# Na, na, do, re, mi, baby #
# Now that's how easy love can be #
- GROUP: # Whoo! # - # A, B, C, it's easy #
# It's like counting up to three #
# Singing simple melodies #
# That's how easy love can be #
# Teacher's gonna teach you how to sing it out #
# Come on, come on, come on #
# Let me show you what it's all about #
# A, B, C, it's easy #
# It's like counting up to three... #
I love you, Becky.
# Singing simple melodies... #
I'm pregnant, Dante.
# That's how easy... #
(gasps, grunts)
Oh!
(door creaking)
(door bangs shut)
I'm having second thoughts.
About your sexuality?
About going to Florida.
Yeah, right.
Why now, all of a sudden?
Becky's pregnant.
She is?
Huh.
So, what, are you afraid you're gonna miss the baby shower?
I'm the father.
This sucks, man.
I have pelvic piss syndrome like a motherfucker,
so be really fucking quiet.
Ew, dude, don't try looking at my dick.
- JAY: What the fuck? - RANDAL: What?
Should we have left that guy in there?
Oh, fuck him! How the fuck did you father a child
with a chick that's not your fiance?!
Holy shit!
She got pregnant off the toilet seat
you jerked off onto!
I fucking knew it!
No, we had sex one night after work, a few weeks ago.
What?! Where?!
Here, on the prep station table.
Ew! That's my prep table.
I don't know what to do.
What did Beck say?
She says she wants to have it.
Oh, my God, so she wants you to break it off
- with Emma and marry her? - No.
She's gonna tell Emma?
No!
Wait a second... then what's the problem?
- Are you that dense? - I'm serious.
If Becks isn't busting your balls about it,
what's the big deal?
You could still go down to Florida
and live happily ever after.
Knowing I have a love child up in Jersey?!
How the fuck do you always have,
like, two good-Iooking girls who want you?
You're the most hideous fucking CHUD
I've ever met, and you always have
a pair of girls fighting over you.
Listen, you can never tell anybody about this.
Who am I gonna tell?
I'm serious, Randal! And not just for me.
Becky says she doesn't want anybody to know.
Then what'd you tell me for?
Look, you've fucked me over in the past,
but this is huge.
This is serious!
Promise me that you'll keep your mouth shut,
because if you fuck me over this time,
I swear to God, I will beat the shit out of you.
(laughs): You and what army?
I'm serious!
I'm serious, too. You and what army?
Promise me!
All right! Get off of me, you nut!
JAY: What the fuck?!
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Oh, yeah, sure. Uh, we were just...
May your first child be a masculine child.
(huffs)
Becky!
Randal!
She was sweating me. It just came out.
Ow! Shit!
You swung at me!
- You ducked! - Because you swung at me!
Damn it!
Where's Becky?
She just left.
I need help here, Mr. Dante.
I can't wrap good, and Randal ate the last pickles.
You fucking snitch.
I'm sorry, Randal. I'm sorry.
Becky!
Maybe she went to get a home pregnancy test
just to be sure.
How the fuck could this day get any worse?
Well, what the fuck are you doing, man?!
Follow her!
You-you think?
You're darn right, I do.
You two have got to work this out.
Follow her, talk to her for an hour,
then come back here.
An hour?!
L-I've found that any more time than that,
you run the risk of saying the wrong thing again.
Follow her, talk to her for an hour,
then come back here and help me close up.
You can't close up by yourself?
Fucking A, man, you're about to become a father!
Time to start acting responsibly!
Be back here in an hour. Go!
(engine starts)
(tires screech)
Hello.
I assume you're with Kinky Kelly.
Good guess. You Randal?
I am.
How long is it gonna take you to set up?
Got to hook up the boom box,
hang a few curtains and some lights.
I've got a small smoke machine for ambiance. Yeah.
Well, you might as well start setting up.
We got about an hour
before the guest of honor gets back.
So, do I, uh, get to meet Kelly before the show or what?
Nah.
Kelly likes privacy before show time.
But after the show, if you want,
for an extra $500, you can fuck Kelly.
Really? Sweet.
Yeah. So, where we doing this thing?
Oh, right inside the restaurant.
You're kidding.
Not spacious enough?
No, it's plenty spacious.
Just kind of weird, isn't it?
Kind of weird?
You're in the bestiality business, dude.
Hey, fucko...
...we like to call it
inter-species erotica.
Intriguing.
(Smashing Pumpkins "1979" playing)
# Shakedown 1979 #
# Cool kids never have the time #
# On a live wire right up off the street #
# You and I should meet #
# Junebug skipping like a stone #
# Headlights pointed at the dawn #
# We were sure we'd never see an end to it all #
# And I don't even care #
# To shake these zipper blues #
# And we don't know #
# Just where our bones will rest #
# To dust, I guess #
# Lamented and assured #
# To the lights #
# And towns below #
# Faster than #
# The speed of sound #
# Faster than #
# We thought we'd go #
# Beneath the sound #
# Of hope #
# The street heats the urgency of now #
# As you see, there's no one around. #
Oh, no.
Not again.
(speed-dial beeping)
Yeah, I have a fire at the Mooby's
on Memorial Parkway and Leonardo.
(door moos electronically, Dante coughs)
(hissing)
(slow, sensual, rhythmic melody playing)
What?
(funky riff kicks in)
What the fuck is going on?
It's your going-away party.
Whoo! Whoo!
We's all gonna get drunk and get laid!
Oh, my God, is Elias hammered?
Isn't it awesome?
My man smoked two blunts full of skunk.
Fuck Pillow Pants!
Honk if you love a tight pussy...
Yo, we love pussy.
Tonight, before you leave me forever,
we are gonna peep something we've been talking about
since we saw "Bachelor Party"
at your parents' house on Beta, when we were 12.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I'm gonna miss you, man.
I'm gonna miss you, too, but this is a little much.
Yeah? Just wait.
(chuckling)
Show time!
(laughs)
Ladies and gentlemen...
and you, Elias,
straight from the debauchery
capital of the world, Tijuana, Mexico...
Oh, God, no.
Oh, God, yes.
Get ready for some hard-core bestiality.
DRIVER: Inter-species erotica, fucko!
(laughs)
Inter-species erotica at its finest,
straight from TJ,
I give you Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud!
# Maybe #
- # Just maybe... # - Whoo!
# Naughty girls need love, too... #
Don't worry. Chick's coming.
# I've been told time and time again #
# That you can't treat love like a game... #
Any second, the chick's coming.
# But I play rough with hearts that never mend #
# 'Cause some guys like you do the same #
# Love was just a four-letter word #
# Never heard, how absurd... #
Any minute now.
# How could it be? #
# But now I can't believe this is real #
# How I feel, now you steal #
# My heart away from me #
# Used to be so good and so bad #
# Sex was something I just had... #
Wow, that guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.
Uh, Randal...?!
Where the fuck's the chick?
# Baby, don't let me be misunderstood #
# Temporary love's so bad... #
Yo, Freddie fucking Mercury, where's Kelly?
# Then along came you... #
Right here.
# Now I know it's true... #
I thought that's the sexy stud.
I'm the sexy stud.
# Then came you... #
But this donkey's a dude.
Kelly can be a guy's name, too. Hey!
# Yes, it's true #
# I'm in love with you #
# And believe it, baby #
# This time, your love won't get away... #
(groans)
Due to some nomenclature confusion,
there's not gonna be any chick.
Well, who the fuck's gonna blow the donkey?
# Ooh, it's only you I adore #
# So much more than my body was asking for... #
Oh!
# Yes, your love is breaking my chill... #
I have a huge boner right now.
# In my heart... #
Oh, my God!
Becky!
Where did you go?
What the fuck is going on here?
Uh, inter-species erotica.
Are you okay?
I'm disgusted and repulsed and...
and I can't look away.
# Baby, don't let me be misunderstood... #
It's huge!
# Temporary love's so bad... #
- (donkey brays) - # But it feels so good #
# Then along came you... #
We need to talk.
Did you see the size of that cock...
I love you.
And-and I think you love me, too.
Uh, of-of course. I...
I mean, we're friends.
L-I think you love me as more than a friend.
It's okay. You can say it.
But l-I don't believe in romantic love.
I think you do.
Do you really want to do this right now?
# But it feels so good #
- (sighs) - # Then along came you... #
Well, I guess the show's over.
I don't think so, sir.
# Naughty girls need love... too... #
If he's gonna jerk off,
I'm gonna jerk off, too.
I don't think he's gonna jerk off.
# So moving like you're 40 #
# This groove is much too naughty #
# Can't you see? #
# I want you just for me #
- # Boys, make some noise... # - (brays)
Yo, you guys are gonna miss this shit!
The big guy's gonna cornole that ass... with his wiener!
Hold that thought.
# Freeze, freeze, freeze, freeze... #
(moaning)
I hope that donkey doesn't have a heinie troll.
# Temporary love's so bad... #
All right, I do.
Do what?
# Then along came you... #
I do love you.
# Temporary, temporary... #
What kind of sick fuck gets turned on
watching a guy fuck a donkey?
# Naughty girls need love #
# Baby, baby #
(sobbing)
I'm sorry, Jesus.
(moaning)
# Then along came you... #
Dante?
What's going on?
Ooh, cake.
(moans)
Yo, I was outside taking a piss when I heard the news.
Congrats!
You're having a baby, right?
No. Who said that?
Some asshole.
# Temporary, temporary... #
I'm sorry.
# Naughty girls need love... #
You fuck!
(thud, Dante groans)
Quick, hit that two-timing fuck with this!
Hey, want to go out sometime?
Emma, I don't... I don't know what to say.
Take him, you fucking whore.
(ring jingles as it bounces across floor)
Emma!
(sirens blaring)
Oh, no.
# Don't let me #
# Baby #
# Temporary love's so bad #
# Then along came you... #
Oh, shit, not again. Got to finish.
(moans)
Yo, cops are outside, we're holding,
and I'm still on probation.
- (sighs) - # Temporary, temporary... #
What the fuck?
(brays)
Porch monkey?!
Oh, no, no, it's cool.
I'm taking it back.
(whooping)
I love pussy and beer!
Whoo-hoo!
(groans)
Deja fucking vu, right?
Jail cell design hasn't changed much in centuries, has it?
Maybe it's time they brought in the laser bars or something.
Or they can make
a hard plastic cage like Magneto's in X-Men 2.
No, come on, dude,
let's keep it in the real world, all right?
But you know what wouldn't be a bad idea?
Carbonite.
What do you think, Dante?
I think I'm gonna kill you!
Get off of me!
What up?! Steel cage match!
You ruined my life!
Your life was already ruined!
Jesus!
What were you thinking?
A fucking donkey show?!
It was your going-away present!
DANTE: It sure was.
I just never thought I'd be going away to prison.
SEXY STUD: Hey, boys.
You can't be imprisoned
for watching an inter-species sex act.
You guys'll walk.
The most I'll get'll be a fine for animal abuse
and a lot of disgusted looks from asswipe conservatives
who can't appreciate sexual exploration.
Hey!
(chuckles)
(sighs)
I miss my donkey.
I can't believe you.
I finally get my shit together.
I'm hours from getting out of here
and really starting my life, and you somehow figure out a way
to obliterate all that and reduce me to a convict.
Oh, yeah, it's my fault your life's fucked up.
I'm the engaged guy who knocked up my boss.
You knocked up the guy who owns Mooby's? Ew.
(chuckling): What?
Would you shut up?
(chuckling)
You're chaos incarnate, man.
Our whole lives,
you've been getting me into trouble and holding me back.
Oh, I'm holding you back, right?
I remember, like, ten years ago,
the night we went to Julie Dwyer's funeral,
you were all like, "I need to shit or get off the pot."
You said, "Shit or get off the pot," not me.
You got all fired up about taking charge of your life,
and what'd you do?
You worked at the store till the place burned down.
I took courses at Brookdale.
And dropped out.
Because you stopped going.
Because we were just killing time with those classes.
One semester,
we took Criminology, for Christ's sake.
What the fuck were we training to be, Batman?
DANTE: At least we were doing something
instead of wasting our lives in some fucking convenience store!
RANDAL: You know what?
You can badmouth Quick Stop all you want, but I miss that place.
I loved working there.
I look back on that period as the best time in my life.
Now I know you're fuckir nuts.
Why? Because I enjoyed what I did?
I got to watch movies,
fuck with assholes, and hang out with my best friend
all day.
Can you think of a better way to make a living?
Yeah, maybe it's not what everyone does,
but it was pretty fucking good.
(laughs)
Man, that's you all over.
Scrape by with the bare minimum.
Well, I'm tired of that, Randal.
I'm not in high school anymore.
Shit, I'm not even in my twenties anymore.
I don't want to sit around and rag on customers
while eating free food.
That's what you want to do.
That's what you've always wanted to do.
Well, if that's all you want out of life, man, then God bless,
but I refuse to let your shit taint the rest of mine.
No. I'm gonna smooth things over with Emma,
go to Florida
and start my Randal Graves-free existence.
And try to forget these last 33 years ever happened.
So that's the way you see all this time we've spent together?
That's weird, man.
I thought you were the only guy in the world
who got me and had my back...
the only person who'd take a bullet for me,
'cause I assumed you felt about me
the same way I feel about you.
Then, all of a sudden, one day, you're like, "I'm moving. Bye."
Do you know what that's been like for me?
I'm looking at a future that just sucks,
because you're not gonna be in it anymore.
And you're not even throwing me over
for a life that means something to you.
It's just a stupid, hollow existence
you think you should embrace
because you're getting old or something,
because it's the kind of life everyone else goes after.
You're a fucking drone, dude.
DANTE: Fine.
Then the next friend whose life you ruin
can be a totally free spirit.
How's that?
You think I want to start making friends at my age?
Christ.
Who would want me as their friend?
I hate everyone, and everything seems stupid to me...
...but you were always the counterbalance to that...
the guy who was the yin to my yang.
But now what the fuck am I gonna do for the rest of my life?
I mean, shit, I really wish
you would've told me this when I first met you
that one day, you were gonna bail
on our friendship,
because if I had known you were just gonna flake on me
a few decades later...
I wouldn't have even bothered with your ass
in the first place.
Jesus, why don't you two
just fuck and get it over with already?
(muttering): Faggots.
Why can't you ever say something useful for a change?
Well, what the fuck you waiting for?
That's your cue, man.
I got nothing.
Jesus fucking Christ, what good are you,
you mute fuck?!
You know what? That hurts.
Like, what do you ever add to the fucking proceedings?
You got, like, one answer for everything: "Pussy, man."
Oh, then, man, you must love this fuckir guy,
'cause he's the biggest pussy I ever met.
The dude who lives his life
according to everyone else's standards.
"I got to go to Florida
and get married, 'cause that's what's expected of me."
And the fuckir insane part is, he ain't even that crazy
about the chick he's marrying or Florida,
never mind the fact that he's got
a perfectly good chick
right here in Jersey who he's nuts about,
and even Anne fuckir Frank could see she's nuts about him.
God knows why.
And she likes you for who you are, man.
She ain't trying to stuff you into a box
you'll never fit into.
Not to mention the fact that she's carrying
your hideous fucking CHUD of a kid.
Jesus, if you had any sense whatsoever,
you'd fuckir stop trying
to bray it up with the rest of the sheep
and live your life the way it makes sense for you,
you fuckir ass!
Oh, yeah? And what's that?
You obviously have such a great handle
on your life.
Tell me what you would do if you were in my position...
or even what you'd do in your own position?
Swing that judgmental pendulum back the other way
and tell me how you'd solve all your problems, asshole.
What the fuck would the great Randal Graves do
if he were half the master of his destiny
that I'm supposed to be?!
I'd buy the Quick Stop and reopen it myself!
That's what I'd do.
That's what we should do.
Yeah, right.
Who-who are we, Lance Dowds?
Do you know how much it would cost
to buy the Quick Stop?
Like, 50 grand, easy.
And neither one of us have that type of money.
(sighs)
JAY: We do.
That's right.
You guys would be willing to lend us some of that money
so we can reopen the stores?
Sure, on two conditions.
One: We can hang out in front of the store
anytime we want, and you can't call the cops.
And two:
You have to blow each other,
and we get to watch.
Then you have to go ass to mouth.
All right, just the first condition.
Seriously?
Do I stutter?
Yeah, seriously.
What do you think?
(sighs)
I almost hate to say it, but...
it kind of makes sense.
Hey, maybe that's why we spent so much time in that store,
why college
or anything else never panned out for us.
I mean, think about it, man.
You and me running our own business
instead of working for some other asshole?
Could be pretty fuckir sweet, right?
Yeah, it really could.
But I don't know, man.
I was this close to starting a new life.
Jesus.
You're actually gonna make me do this, aren't you?
(sighs)
Can you guys cover your ears for a minute, please?
You're my best friend...
and I love you.
In a totally heterosexual way.
Yeah, right.
Please, man, don't leave me.
Thanks.
That'll be $5.79.
# #
I mean, you already taught me how to dance at a wedding.
I mean... l-I know you don't believe in romantic love.
# I am the kindest soul with whom you're connected #
# I have the bravest heart #
# That you've ever seen #
Is that a yes?
What took you so long?
#... I am sometimes #
# You see everything #
# You see every part #
# You see all my light #
"One ring to rule them all."
# You dig everything #
# Of which I'm ashamed #
# There's not anything to which you can't relate #
# And you're still here #
# What I resist #
# Persists and speaks #
# Louder than #
# I know #
# What I resist #
# You love, no matter #
# How low #
# Or high I go... #
Come on!
# You see everything #
# You see every part #
# You see all my light #
# And you love my dark #
# You dig everything #
# Of which I'm ashamed #
# There's not anything to which you can't relate #
# And you're still here #
# You see everything #
- # You see every part # - # You're still here #
# You see all my light #
- # And you love my dark # - # And you're still here #
# You dig everything #
# Of which I'm ashamed #
# There's not anything to which you can't relate #
# And you're still here. #
# #
(song ends)
(traffic passing by)
("Goodbye Horses"playing)
Oh!
Thanks. Okay.
Pack of cigarettes?
You know what? What?
You're not even supposed to be here today.
(chuckles)
(sighs): Can you feel it?
Feel what?
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
(light acoustic intro playing)
# They say misery #
# Loves company #
# We could start a company #
# And make misery #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# Well, I know just what you need #
# I might just have the thing #
# I know what you'd pay #
# To see #
# Put me out of my misery #
# I'd do it for you #
# Would you do it for me? #
# We will always be busy #
# Making misery #
# We could build a factory #
# And make misery #
# We'll create the cure #
# We made the disease #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# Well, I know just what you need #
# I might just have the thing #
# I know what you'd pay #
# To feel #
# Put me out of my misery #
# All you suicide kings and you drama queens #
# Forever after happily #
# Making misery #
# #
# Did you satisfy your greed? #
# Get what you need? #
# Was it only envy? #
# So empty #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# Put me out of my misery #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# I'd do it for you, would you do it for me? #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# Ever after happily #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# Making misery #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# Put me out of my misery #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# I'd do it for you, would you do it for me? #
# Frustrated, Incorporated #
# Put me out of my misery #
# Frustrated, Incorporated. #
(song ends)
# #
SEXY STUD: Oh, shit, got to finish!
Hey!
(dramatic music stinger)
Snooge to the nooge!
(choking): Oh, my God...!
(grunts)
(whistling)